INVASION
by PantherGuide
Summary: just an attempt at something funny


INVASION  
By Red Falcon  
  
Judge O'Connor banged his gavel once again to get everyone's attention. Unfortunately, this time it only served to startle one of the witnesses into dropping the carrying cases she held. As soon as the cases hit the floor, the doors opened and three spooked goannas ran for the nearest climbable surface.  
  
"Don't let them get away!!" the handler shouted.  
  
Everyone was tripping over each other in an effort to catch the fast moving animals, but they were out of luck. The three lizards made it to the vents and were fast on the move through out JAG Headquarters. God help them all if Admiral Chegwidden found out.  
  
SPs and MPs dashed around tripping over court room observers, lawyers and anyone else that happened to be in the room at the time of the escape. After a while they discovered that the three lizards were not in the room.  
  
"All right, spread out and find those damn things before they get out of the building or worse, Admiral Chegwidden finds them." Captain O'Connor said.  
  
"Or they find him." Someone muttered.  
  
Officers and enlisteds filed out of the court room in a mad search for forty-five pounds of lizards. In the mean time the reptiles were scurrying through the building's vent system and approaching a group of offices.  
  
The three animals managed to get separated in the vents and found themselves in different places within the same office section. The first one, the juvenile of the three slammed into a floor level vent and began running along the floor of JAG ops. The young male scurried along the floor, over chair legs, around desks and for a short time avoiding the humans that were all around. That was until he dashed over the foot of a young woman and made her jump. That quick move launched him into the air, briefly, only to land on another woman's arm. She shrieked.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Singer cried out.  
  
That sudden sound only served to scare the young goanna and he bit her arm and held on tight. Several junior officers and enlisteds approached at her shriek. None of them really knew what to do or how to get the animal to let her go. In the end it was a simple task. When the goanna saw so many large humans approaching, he turned his meal loose and started running again. Everyone within reach tried to grab the running beast but only managed to trip over each other.  
  
"That was fun." Harriet said.  
  
"Fun? That thing bit me. What the hell was it any way and where did it come from?" Singer wanted to know.  
  
"Obviously it's some kind of lizard. Sheesh, you'd think you'd never seen a lizard before," an unknown petty officer said.  
  
Lauren turned on the voice but no one would own up to it. She stamped off to get the bite tended to.  
  
Through another vent, this time in the ceiling, the female goanna crawled silently down a wall. She skittered across the floor and up the side of a desk. Her forked tongue flicking in and out of her mouth, tasting the air. She could smell something warm waiting for her. She knew it was too big to be prey but it would be nice to perch on. She could hear the vibrations of something coming from the top of what she was watching and maybe between the warmth of her new perch and the vibrations coming from it she could have a nice nap.  
  
The goanna crawled across the desk and up the back of the leather chair. She curled herself around the neck of the man sitting there, he was totally oblivious to the presence of the little animal. Harm was listening to some music in an effort to relax before getting back to work. The last several weeks had been a bit too stressful for him and an old friend had recommended this tape. He had no idea he had a little visitor sitting on his shoulders. It took him a while to notice something brushing against his chin. By the time the sensation registered, Harm also felt a pair of eyes on him.  
  
His head jerked to one side and he saw two beady eyes and a forked tongue. Harm forced himself not to jump just in case the critter was of a mind to bite him.  
  
"Where on earth did you come from?" he asked the little, as far as he could tell, critter looking at him. "I think we should get you back where you belong."  
  
Harm turned off his music and took off the headphones carefully. He stood slowly and headed for his office door and out into the bull pen looking for someone to relieve him of his passenger. Because he was so calm about the entire thing, no one noticed that he had a goanna wrapped around his neck and shoulders. As for the goanna, she was enjoying her ride and watching her surroundings carefully. Harm decided to ask Mac if she could help him get rid of his little problem.  
  
Meanwhile, in Colonel MacKenzie's office, the forced air vent above where she was standing at the moment banged open and something rather heavy landed on her head, startling the hell out of her.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL??!!"  
  
That was when a scaled face appeared in front of hers, it was the last of the missing goannas, the young male. The little beast was staring at her, flicking its tongue at her nose. This was the sight that greeted Harm after he knocked and then entered her office.  
  
"Mac, you've got a lizard on your head!" Harm couldn't resist teasing her.  
  
"Well, you've got one around your neck."  
  
"Any idea where they came from?" Harm asked.  
  
"I think there was something about them in Judge O'Connor's court for today. I guess they escaped somehow." Mac said.  
  
"I think we should let the admiral handle this." Harm said with a wicked grin on his face.  
  
"He's gonna love this." Mac said.  
  
"It should make his day."  
  
"Do you think you can keep that little guy from falling off your head long enough to get to the admiral's office?" Harm asked.  
  
"I don't see why not. He's digging his nails into my head enough to keep his balance. Your little friend seems quite happy where he is," she said.  
  
"Yeah but that tongue is driving me nuts. It feels weird every time it brushes up against my neck." Harm said. He fought not to shudder, not really wanting to take any chances on getting bit.  
  
"Well, let's get this over with and get back to work." Mac said.  
  
She moved slowly at first, trying to see what kind of balance she had with the lizard on her head. "Ok, I can manage this. I wonder if anyone is going to notice this." Mac wondered aloud.  
  
"Just take it easy and try to act normal. I walked across the bullpen and no one seemed to notice. Tiner on the other hand just might freak out a little." Harm said.  
  
They made their way out of her office and through the bullpen carefully. Harm kept an arm around Mac's waist just incase her guest did something hinky or was startled for some reason and she lost her balance.  
  
"This is a strange feeling." Mac whispered.  
  
As Harm predicted, no one paid any attention to the two senior officers as they approached the admiral's office. Also true to his word, Tiner was a bit freaked when he saw the two lizards hanging onto them.  
  
"Are you all right sir, ma'am?" Tiner asked.  
  
"Yes, Tiner, we're fine but I really think the admiral should handle this, don't you think?" Harm said with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
"Definitely, sir. He's waiting for you." Tiner said nervously as they walked by him and into the lion's den.  
  
Chegwidden was busy working on something annoying and he didn't look up right away when Harm and Mac entered. They stood at attention for a few moments when the admiral finally acknowledged them.  
  
"What's so important that it couldn't wait till staff call tomorrow?" he asked.  
  
"Well, sir, we could wait but I don't think they could." Harm said.  
  
That got the admiral's attention and he looked up. "Colonel, you do know you've got a rather large animal on your head, don't you?"  
  
"Painfully aware sir. He's digging his nails into my head as we speak and he is rather heavy. Harm's got it easy, his is wrapped around his shoulders." Mac said.  
  
That was when A.J. noticed the second animal. "What the hell is going on here? Are we running a zoo all of a sudden?" he demanded.  
  
"I don't know about that, sir. I was just sitting in my office minding my own business when I noticed this little bugger staring at me. I mean he seems harmless enough but I would prefer if someone would put it back in its cage, he's starting to make me nervous." Harm rambled.  
  
"This one just dropped on my head. There's nothing like having something this heavy land full body right on your head and then look right in your eyes with its tongue flicking out." Mac said.  
  
Before the admiral could say anything in response he felt something trying to climb up his leg. He jumped out of his chair and away from his desk.  
  
"What the? There's three of them? That's it! TINER!" the admiral bellowed. Luckily for Mac and Harm, their guests didn't flinch at the sound. Chegwidden made a grab for and caught the young lizard. He was holding on to it when Tiner rushed in.  
  
"Find out where these things belong," he demanded.  
  
"Check with Judge O'Connor, I think he had something like this going today." Mac said.  
  
"Yes, ma'am. Are you all right sir?" Tiner asked before he left.  
  
"Yes, Tiner. Just find out where these things belong.  
  
Tiner scurried out of the office to make his call. It was a strange sight for the petty officer to see three senior officers with those lizards. He shuddered at the prospect of what could have happened if one of them had found him. Tiner made the call and to his relief got someone to come and get those little beasts.  
  
In his office, A.J. and the others were just sitting there keeping a hold of the lizards, waiting for Tiner and whoever belonged to the critters. Harm was, absently, stroking his companion's tail as he waited. Mac was trying to persuade hers to climb down off her head but really wasn't having much luck and the admiral was just trying to hold on to the squirming one he had.  
  
"This is a very interesting way to spend an afternoon." Harm said.  
  
"You have got to be kidding. You wouldn't be saying that if that one had dropped on your head." Mac groused. She finally gave up trying to dislodge her lizard and just sat there.  
  
"This is worse that holding onto a wet cat," the admiral complained.  
  
They all jumped when the buzzer on the admiral's desk went off. "I found the people that belong to your friends, sir." Tiner said.  
  
"Well, don't just sit out there, send them in."  
  
His office door opened once again and Tiner led two strangers in. "Well, will you look at this," an Australian accent made Harm stiffen. "Wha'da ya make of this Terr?" he asked his companion.  
  
"I'd say they've found themselves some new friends," his wife said.  
  
"These two are the escape artists and they're teaching their youngster. We'll take them off your hands now and get them back where they belong."  
  
The woman went to Mac and made an attempt to dislodge the critter without hurting the Marine officer. "He's got you good," she said. "Tell me about it. Ow, Ow, Ow. That hurts." Mac complained.  
  
Her husband approached the admiral carefully. Even though A.J. had a good hold on the little one, one wrong move and he would be off and running again. "Let me have this little one. He may be small but he still has a head full of teeth that pack a wallop." Steve said as he took the little goanna out of the admiral's hands.  
  
The Australian put the little lizard in one of the three crates that he and his wife had brought with them. "How're you doing Terry?" he asked his wife.  
  
"This one is being stubborn. He's latched onto her head like a vice." Terry said.  
  
"Just get him off me, please. Those nails are really starting to hurt." Mac said.  
  
"Well, these guys were designed to be able to climb trees and to forage along river banks. These three are hand raised but they still run whenever they get the chance. They're basically harmless unless you get them all riled up. The one you've got likes the ladies and if he had the chance he probably would have gone down your shirt." Steve said with a straight face. Harm and the admiral tried not to laugh at the startled look on Mac's face when she heard that. "Kinda like some python's that I've seen." Terry, his wife said.  
  
"There was one we were trying to move so we could clean his enclosure. He latched onto me and the next thing I know, he's crawling around my neck and down my shirt. I guess they don't call them cleavage divers for nothing." she explained.  
  
"Wonderful." Mac muttered.  
  
They finally got the goanna off Mac's head and were wrestling him into his crate. Mac was rubbing the spot on her head where the goanna's nails had dug into her head, her hand came away with a little bit of blood. She also noticed that the one Terry had removed had some of her hair in its nails. "You better get that tended to. No sense in inviting trouble." she said.  
  
Both Steve and his wife turned to Harm and the last of the goannas. Harm was sitting stock still waiting for them. The goanna female just stared at them from around his neck. "She likes you, commander." Terry said.  
  
"That's nice but would you mind getting her off me, please." Harm pleaded. Toughman lawyer/aviator was petrified of a lizard.  
  
She carefully lifted the last one off him and put her in her crate. They all breathed a sigh of relief when the crate's door closed. "How on earth did they get away?" the admiral asked.  
  
"The crates hit the floor and the doors opened. That's all it took. They ran like mad and we've been looking for them ever since." Terry said.  
  
"At least they didn't get out of the building. That really would have been a nightmare." Steve said.  
  
"They just played around with my officers." A.J. groused.  
  
"It wasn't so bad, sir, just unexpected." Harm said, having finally regained his composure.  
  
"Says you, commander." the admiral said.  
  
Tiner and the two civilians had already left his office with their animals. Tiner was trying to get back to work and forget that he had been that close to two rather imposing lizards. The closest he ever wanted to be to a lizard was the ones that darted through the bushes near his mother's house, not the ones that were carted out of JAG ops in travel crates.  
  
"Well, that was enough excitement for one day. Is there anything else on your minds, commander, colonel?" Chegwidden asked.  
  
"No, sir." Harm answered for both of them. "Dismissed then." the admiral said. "Aye, sir."  
  
Both senior officers stood at attention briefly and then left his office.  
  
"You busy later, Mac?" Harm asked.  
  
"Nope, what do you have in mind?" she asked in return.  
  
"Why don't you have dinner with me tonight? No work, no talk of work. Just you and me and some good food, maybe some nice music. We can just veg and forget about the fracas today. What do you think?" Harm suggested.  
  
"Sounds good. What time should I be there?"  
  
"18:30"  
  
"See you then."  
  
THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE FOLKS. use your imagination from this point. 


End file.
